Humor from Seasonal Teachings

H-01
Somewhere I read a story about a group of the nation's top entertainers who were gathered one evening at the Friar's Club. They got to reminiscing about the "good old days" and, as the hours passed, they grew rather sentimental. After a while, George Burns went over to the piano and began to play There's No Business Like Show Business and everyone joined in singing with great gusto.

A little later, George Jessel stood up and, with great emotion, said,
"The show must go on. The show must go on." All over the room heads nodded in silent assent and then, from the back of the room, Groucho Marx brought a swift end to the syrupy sentimentality of the moment by calling out, "Why?"

They were so angry with him they decided to take away his membership in the club. However, he heard about it and quit first. In his letter of resignation he wrote, "I refuse to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."
From "Some Negative Thinking, Too, Please"

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H-02
Speaking of catchy titles, there's a wonderful story about a homiletics professor who was attempting to teach his seminary students the importance of good sermon titles. "If I were on a bus one Sunday morning and it stopped in front of your church," he said, "would the sermon title you advertised on your bulletin board get me off the bus?"

One by one various students offered various suggestions with that aim in mind to which the professor replied, "That wouldn't get me off the bus!" Finally, one wise guy suggested the title:
"There's A Bomb On Your Bus!"
From "The Ego And I"

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H-05
I can remember a time, (and I am just eight days into my thirtieth year), when we as a family would spend a whole evening around an open fire playing one game of dominoes. Nowadays we feel we are wasting our time unless in a single evening we can, in one observer's words,
"go out to dinner,
take in a movie,
make a couple of phone calls,
visit somebody on our way downtown,
and maybe stop off to do some shopping
at a bargain sale on the way to the show."

Our lives have become one mad scramble for success. Even the word itself is alluring. It seems to have an hypnotic effect on people.

Of course, there is the other side of the picture. The man, who out of sheer laziness, refuses to do anything to better his station in life. Perhaps you have heard the story of the tramp who came up to a house and asked for a bite to eat. The housewife said she would be glad to feed him if he would cut up some of the wood stacked beside the house.
"What wood?" asked the tramp.
"Why that stack around the corner of the house," answered the lady.
"I didn't see any wood," said the tramp.
"But I saw you see it," said the lady.
"Well," answered the tramp, "you may have saw me see it,
but you'll never see me saw it."

The same attitude of mind is exemplified by an incident that happened at the Ford Plant at River Rough. The personnel manager was interviewing a job applicant.
"I want you to understand one thing," he told the man. "We will not tolerate clock-watching around here." "Oh, don't worry about me," the workman assured him. "I am an outside man. I am a whistle-listener."
From "Making A Living Or Making A Life"

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H-07
A minister friend of mine asked one of the youngsters in his primary department if they ever prayed in their home.
"Oh, yes," the child replied. "Every night. When Mommy puts me down to sleep she goes out of my room and when she has closed the door I hear her say,
"Thank God she's in bed!"
From "A Baby Makes A Difference"

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H-09
Therefore, this morning, I want to talk with you not as your pastor but as a fellow Christian. And I want to talk very frankly. I want to think with you about one of the most delicate subjects our church must face -- one that applies equally to me as it does to you. I want to talk about money.

The reason I want to talk with you about this subject is because we seldom come to grips with it. We talk about it, around it, over it, and all sides of it, but we never seem to talk it through.

I suppose the reason for this is because all of us are related, in one way or another, to the fellow who said when he was a baby his Mother hired a woman to wheel him around, and he's been pushed for money ever since! Well, because we all face the same basic financial problems of how to make ends meet, I think we can intelligently share the answers God has given to that problem in His Word.
From "God's I Dare You"

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H-10
A good many of us are like the little boy who was asked a question by his first-grade teacher.
"If your Mother gave you two apples, a big one and a little one, and told you to divide with your brother, which apple would you give him?" The little boy answered, "Do you mean my little brother or my big brother?"
From "God's I Dare You"

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H-14
I enjoy the story of the young mother who's youngster was raising havoc in the toy department of the local department store. He was jostling the other kids about and pushing them this way and that. All the while, his mother was saying, "Honey, please don't do this," "Honey, please don't do that."

When he got on a trike and began riding up and down the aisles, the manager of the toy department approached the mother and said, "It appears you're having some difficulty controlling your boy. We have a child psychologist here. Would you like me to call and ask for help?"
In desperation, the young Mother said, "Please, do." The psychologist arrived, inquired of the problem and the young mother said, "Oh my, there is nothing I can do to get my child to obey. If you have any suggestions, I'll be happy to take them."

The psychologist said, "Wait here", and going to the little boy, took him aside, bent over and whispered something in his ear. The youngster looked up with a start, turned, went back to his mother and said, "C'mon, Mom, let's get outta here!"

Well, the change in behavior was so startling, the young mother said,
"Son, wait here for a moment, I want to talk to that person."
She beckoned to the child psychologist and said, "Please, tell me, what on earth did you do? I've been trying to get my boy to obey me. He wouldn't do it. You come over, say one simple sentence and he responded immediately. What on earth did you say to him?"

The child psychologist said, "Why, ma'am, it's very simple. I just leaned over and said, 'Listen here, you little brat. If you don't get out of here, I'm going to set your britches on fire!'"

Out in Idaho, I met a mother who had nine boys. She had nine boys. Nine boys. When I asked her how she did it, she answered: "We have two rules in our house. The Golden Rule and another one about so-o-o long."

You folks have never met my father. Actually he's rather short. When people see us together, they wonder how such a little man could produce such a tall son. Really, it's quite simple. You see, when he was young he was a very good boy and his dad was always patting him on the head. With me, it was just the opposite! (Gesture of hand swinging up to spank on the behind.) You talk about raising kids. My father raised me every hour on the hour some days. But when all the ballots are in, the vote will show that I love and respect him all the more because of it. Yes, the first quality of love is discipline.
From "A House Is Not A Home"

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H-17
Have you ever tried to describe a father? It isn't as easy as it seems. Mr. Webster tried it and concluded a father is "a male parent" which is a rather prosaic way of putting it. He also added, "One to whom filial affection and respect is due." But these definitions seem rather cold and uninspiring, don't they?

Someone has said, "A father is a person who is forced to endure childbirth without anesthetic."
Someone else has observed that "A father is a thing that growls when it feels good, and laughs very loud when it's scared to death."

Paul Harvey suggests that "Fathers are what give daughters away to other men who aren't nearly good enough, so they can have grandchildren who are smarter than anybody elses."
From "God Save The King"

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H-18
A mother was urging her five year old son to stop yelling, and "be good." He said, "I'll be good for a quarter." She said, "Why can't you be good for nothing, like your father?"
From "God Save The King"

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H-19
A little boy whose father had sent him to Sunday School, but did not go himself, came up to his Daddy one day and said,
"Dad, did you go to Sunday school when you were a boy?"
"Yes, son, I always went to Sunday school."
"Well, Dad, I think I'll quit going. It isn't doing me any good either."

Of course, we can smile at the humor of the story, but I hope that through the humor we can get the point which is this: "Rule by edict will never replace rule by example."
From "God Save The King"

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H-26
Have you heard the story of the man who came to visit a relative and told the children of the home he was their uncle on their father's side. Whereupon one of the children said,
"I bet you won't stay there long when you discover you're on the wrong side!"
From "From Frustration To Fruition"

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H-27
A few weeks ago the Daily News ran a condensation of Dr. George W. Crane's new book "How To Cash In On Your Worries". The thesis of this famous "mind mechanics" book is this:
"Don't banish your worries, use them." He begins by saying: "It's smart to worry. Worry is the sign of surplus I.Q. So encourage worry, don't shun it." I read that to my secretary and she said, I didn't realize how smart I am!"
From "How To Worry And Like It - Part 1"

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H-28
Rev. John Homer Miller, author of "Take A Look At Yourself", tells of a parrot which was kept in a cage hanging over the doorway at a hunting lodge in Pennsylvania. As the members of the club passed through the door, the parrot repeated over and over the only words he knew: "One at a time, gentlemen, one at a time." That's how we ought to handle our problems, "one at a time, gentlemen" and, one day at a time!
From "How To Worry And Like It - Part 2"

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H-29
Have you heard the story of the fellow who said:
"Why worry! There are only two things which can happen. Either I'm well or I'm sick. If I'm well, there's nothing to worry about. If I'm sick, there are only two things to worry about. Either I get better or I get worse. If I get better, there's nothing to worry about. If I get worse, there are only two things to worry about. Either I live or I die. If I live, there's nothing to worry about. If I die, there's only two things to worry about. Either I go to heaven or I go to "the other place". If I go to heaven, there's nothing to worry about. If I go to "the other place", I'll be so busy talking to my friends I won't have time to worry!"
From "How To Worry And Like It - Part 2"

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H-30
When I felt called of God to enter the field of evangelism, I was filled with fear and trepidation. It was during a time when evangelism was held in almost universal contempt. I must admit, of
course, that that was one of the things which intrigued me about the idea of entering the field. I was bound and determined, in my own small way, to put evangelism on such a high plane it would be acceptable to everyone. I also knew, just as sure as sin, we would be misunderstood and criticized. So, I adopted a little motto I have carried with me ever since. "Do your job and do it will, Let 'em yell… They'll yell anyway." (Or something to that effect)

What I was trying to do was reconcile myself to the fact that, even under the best circumstances, we can expect criticism. Unless we are perfect, and none of us are, there is always something about us to be criticized.
From "The Fine Art Of Being Critical"

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H-31
I think the most frightened individual I ever saw was a young Army sergeant who stood about 6' 4" and hit the scale at over 200 lbs. I was performing his marriage ceremony. It was one of my first weddings after graduating from Seminary and I was pretty scared myself. But compared to him, I must have looked like a four star, battle-scarred hero. I don't know what he was frightened about. I looked at his dainty little bride, about five foot two with eyes of blue, and she looked as harmless as a fawn. But good reason or no, he was scared.

I pronounced them man and wife, I looked at him and said, "Sergeant, you may salute your bride." I meant he could kiss her. But he was so befuddled he didn't know what he was doing. He snapped to attention, did a perfect quarter turn to the left, clicked his heels and gave her the snappiest salute I have ever seen.

I don't know who was more surprised. The bride or me. But she rose to the occasion. She reached up on the tips of her toes, pulled that big lummox down and gave him a great big kiss. Then they both began to giggle, the audience began to laugh, and the wedding ended on the most hilarious note you can imagine!
From "Fear - A Beast Or A Boost"

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H-32
One day last fall while out making calls, I stopped at a coffee shop for lunch. It was one of those little restaurants which has its walls plastered with signs. One read,
"Everything is fresh here but the help". Another said, "Don't worry about your future. Work hard eight hours a day. Pretty soon you'll be boss and can work twelve hours and have all the worries".

One sign gave me cause to worry. It was pasted on the front of the cash register:
"No checks cashed. No credit allowed". I didn't notice it when I ordered my hamburger, coffee and pie a la mode. I reached into my pocket and discovered I had 65 cents. I could just see the headlines: "MINISTER DOES DISHES FOR DINNER." So I quickly canceled the pie a la mode. When the bill came, it was 57 cents. I felt so relieved, I gave the girl an 8 cent tip.

As I started to leave the restaurant I noticed another sign over the doorway that set my imagination to work and eventually led to this sermon. It said, "Watch your tongue. It's in a wet place and is apt to slip." Even though it is couched in simple language, it's pretty good advice, for the tongue is a maverick which is difficult to tame.
From "The Christian Use Of Gossip"

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H-33
A woman in an isolated rural spot wrote to the Lonely Hearts Editor:
"My sister and I aren't exactly lonely. We have each other to talk to, but we need another woman to talk about."
From "The Christian Use Of Gossip"

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H-40
We have a great deal in common with the little five year old girl who was saying her prayers.
"Dear Lord", she said, "I thank Thee I have everything I want and 50 cents besides!"
From "Corn Kernels, Drumsticks And God's Kindness"


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H-41
I got a chuckle out of the story of the timid soul who dropped into a cheap hash house one day because his usual eating place was crowded. He sat down and waited for service. He waited and waited and waited some more. Finally, he signaled the waiter who came over and asked roughly,
"Yeah, whadda 'ya want?" The timid soul murmured, "Boiled eggs and toast, please."

About a half-hour later the waiter slammed the eggs down in front of him and snarled,
"Is there anything else, buddy?" "Yes", said the timid soul, "a few kind words." The waiter's eyes narrowed as he looked around. Then, leaning over, he whispered, "OK, don't eat the eggs!"
From "Corn Kernels, Drumsticks And God's Kindness"

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H-42
Is there anyone here this morning who hasn't heard the tale about the man who was told by his doctor that he was suffering from acute alcoholism. The man said,
"Doc, I can't tell my wife I am suffering from alcoholism. Isn't there one of those big medical terms that I can give her?" The doctor said, "As far as I'm concerned, there is no other term for it but alcoholism."

As the man left the doctor's office he passed a music store and in the window his eye caught the word "syncopation". That word seemed to strike a responsive chord somewhere. When he got home he told his wife the doctor had said he was suffering from acute syncopation. That was all right until she looked up the word in the dictionary and read: "Syncopation - an irregular and erratic movement from bar to bar". Well, as I have said, you can change the name but you cannot change the effect.
From "The Blight Before Christmas"

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H-43
Have you heard the story of the man who was married to a girl named Millie? She was a wonderful girl and he loved her very much. But after a number of years, she died.

Then he married another girl named Tillie. She was equally wonderful but she, too, died.
Later on, when the man died, folks wondered which one he would favor by being buried by her side. His will solved it all. He instructed them to bury him equidistant between them both. But his will had this interesting footnote: "Tilt me toward Tillie."
From "They Saw Stars"

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H-44
It hardly seems possible we are on the threshold of another year, but time has a way of marching on and there is precious little we can do to hold it back.

I read the other day about a census taker who was filling out the usual forms. When he came to the question of age, the woman he was interviewing refused to answer directly. But she did say she was as old as the folks next door. It so happened their name was Hill. So the census taker simply wrote, "Mrs. X is as old as the Hills."
Like it or not, time marches on!
From "In The Beginning God"

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H-45
A little five year old girl was lying on the living room floor working feverishly with paper and crayon. Her Mother watched her for a moment and said:
"Mary, what are you doing?" The little girl said: "Mommy, I'm drawing God."
The mother smiled and said: "But Mary, you can't do that. No one knows how God looks."
The girl sat up straight and, with a look of triumph in her face, said: "They will now."
From "In The Beginning God"
Children, God
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H-46
Ginny Anderson was talking to her son, David, a few months ago and in the course of their conversation she said: "David, who is Jesus?" David said: "Oh, He's God's Son…you know…like Anderson."
From "In The Beginning God"

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H-52
Do you remember that bit of social commentary on life in merry Old England:
"Sing a song of six pence
A pocketful of rye,
Four and twenty blackbirds
Baked in a pie"?
If so, you recall it went on to describe a typical day in the life of the Royal Palace:
"The Queen was in the parlor
Eating bread and honey,
The King was in the counting house
Counting out his money."

I've always thought there might be a sermon in that line about the "Queen in the parlour eating bread and honey". According to Dave Garroway, "Women have a terrific sense of humor. The more you humor them, the better they like it!" I believe it was he who also observed that brides wear white as a symbol of their happiness and then added: "The thing that bothers me is why the groom wears black!"

A fellow was applying for a job. The superintendent said, "For this job we need a responsible man."
The applicant replied, "Boy, that's me! Whenever anything goes wrong at our house, my wife says I'm responsible!"

Well, ladies, we men-folk may joke about the trials and tribulations of being a husband, but the truth is we dearly love you gals and could not, nor would not for a moment be able to get along without you. But I just couldn't resist commenting on that stuff about "bread and honey".

Actually, my sermon is taken from that other line about "the King being in the counting house counting out his money." That sentence is strangely descriptive of the day in which we live, for far too many of us spend more time than we should in "the counting house".

We have amazing--to me bewildering and incredibly complicated--machines to help us with our counting. In recent years a brand new profession has sprung up having to do with the operation of computing machines and, I'm told, it is a very skilled and profitable profession.

There is one company in Hartford, Connecticut, which does nothing but compute figures and they carry their slogan on a gigantic billboard atop their factory: "WE COUNT EVERYTHING!"
I suppose they do. Our whole world--physical, industrial, even social--has taken on a kind of "slide rule complex".

But take that phrase: "the counting house" into your mind and think of it in another connection--not as the room where we count out our money (that wouldn't take very long for most of us)--but where we decide on what things count! Where we measure the worth of things.
From "The King Was In The Counting House"

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H-53
As a country preacher once said:
"The water of life is free, but you have to pay for having it piped to you."
From "The King Was In The Counting House"

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H-54
A woman was told by her doctor, "One problem with women is that they always personalize things." To which she replied, "I don't!"
From "The King Was In The Counting House"

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H-58
A few months ago, I was invited to preach at a Rescue Mission on Skid Row. Most of the men dropped off to sleep the moment I began to speak. In an effort to get through to the drugged minds of those poor alcoholics that God's gift of salvation was free for the asking I said, "How many of you men think I am honest?" I must admit I was rather shocked to see how few hands went up.

Then I said, "Well, believe it for not, I am honest and I have a dollar bill in my hand. I will give it to the first man who comes up to get it. How many of you believe me?"

The few hands which had been up dropped out of sight. And then a poor, bedraggled wretch who was some mothers son stood up about fifteen rows back and said, "I believe ya," and hobbling down the aisle took the dollar bill from my hand. Boy! When that crowd of men saw that I actually gave him the dollar bill, they snapped to attention and sat on the edge of their seats listening to beat the band! I didn't see another nod during the rest of the sermon. They wanted to be plenty sure that if I made another such offer they were awake to take me up on it!
From "What Does It Mean To Be Born Again? Part 2"

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H-59
A grade school teacher asked a little girl to tell the class what Father's Day was. The child thought for a moment and then said, "It's just like Mother's Day only you don't spend as much for the present."
From "What Every Child Deserves"

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H-64
Dr. Edwin T. Dalhberg tells the story of a farmer who was hauling a Baptist deacon and a load of potatoes into town. It just seemed as if everything went wrong. The mules balked. The rim came off one of the wagon wheels. They got stuck in the mud at least three times. And then, just as they got to the top of a steep hill the tailgate fell down at the back of the wagon and all the potatoes rolled down the hill.

The farmer was noted for his rather "sulphurous" language on such occasions. But as he watched the potatoes roll down the hill, he put his hands on his hips and said, "Deacon, what I am about to say you may have heard before, but this time I really mean it!"
From "Lady, Are You Rich?"

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H-65
When it comes to our religion, many of us like little children. Have you ever noticed how self-centered a baby is? Someone has defined a baby as "an alimentary canal with an insatiable desire at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other." As a young father, I think that sums it up pretty well. Especially that part about "no sense of responsibility."

But that bit about "an insatiable desire" isn't too far off either. Certainly there is nothing more insistent than a hungry baby. One does not have to hear his impatient squalls, watch his angry kicks and see his little face grow red with frustration when his bottle is not forthcoming immediately -- if not sooner - to begin to have some pretty strong convictions about the Doctrine of Original Sin!
From "What Made The Wise Men Wise?"

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