Humor from Topical Teachings

H-03
LAVENDER COMMENTS: There are two approaches to becoming a pastor. One is to take a honeymoon cruise. The other is to take a shake-down cruise. The latter fit my style, but it also helped me find all the things that needed fixing. A number of people squirmed at hearing such a confrontive sermon from their up-start of a twenty-nine year old pastor. But for most, it was a wake-up call they badly needed and happily heeded.

I also had a lot of fun with the title "Christianity 3-D Style". For some reason, the newness of 3-D photography provoked a number of ideas for my outline. One person suggested the somber trio: "Danger, Disease and Death and How We Can Conquer Them." A teenager, in characteristic B-Bop, suggested: "Ding, Dong Daddy!" A retired minister who was a member of our congregation suggested: "The Despair of Difficult Deacons". I learned later he was like the preacher who bragged of having a membership that was 100% active. When pressed for an explanation, he said, "I have 50 members, all of them active. 25 are for me, 25 are against me!"
From "Christianity 3-D Style"

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H-04
Almost from the moment of birth we are asking, "Why?". Watch the little lad who tears away at the kitchen clock. What is he doing? He is trying to find out what makes it tick.

The little girl who decapitates her doll is not basically destructive. She is simply following her natural feminine curiosity. Even the wife who, at 2 AM, greets her husband at the door with rolling pin in hand is simply asking, "Why?"!

I love the story of Adam who, in the Garden of Eden, came home quite late one night. It was obvious to Eve that he had been imbibing wine which had been red too long.
"Were you out with another woman?" she asked.
To which Adam had the perfect reply,
"Why, that's impossible, Eve, you're the only woman in the world!"
Still somewhat suspicious, she got him to bed and he fell into a deep slumber. Later he was awakened by a tapping on his chest and it was Eve counting his ribs!
From "Inclination Of Mortality"

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H-06
Lucille's younger sister is married to a very wealthy physician. In their magnificent home they have an art gallery. Their interest in art takes a turn toward surrealism. One of their paintings has a man's eye up in one corner, four dark lines streaking across the canvas to something that looks like a disintegrating orange at the bottom.
It's called: "A Man Playing The Piano."

When Lucille saw it for the first time, I asked her how she liked it. She answered with characteristic astuteness: "Well, it only goes to show that things are never quite so bad as they can be painted." Indeed!
From "Ordinary People In Extra-Ordinary Times"

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H-07
There is a rather cute story going around about a young mother who was out shopping for her 5 year old son. As she wandered through the toy department, she saw a puzzle that seemed terribly complicated.
She called the clerk over and suggested that perhaps they had put this toy on the wrong display rack, that, in all probability, it should be with toys for older children because it seemed too complicated for a 5 year old. "Oh no," answered the sales person, "that's an educational toy designed to help our children adjust to our present age and its particular problems. Anyway they put it together, it's wrong!"
From "Present Tense Future Perfect"

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H-08
Perhaps you have heard the story of the boy who stuttered. One day a speech teacher heard him trying to speak, and feeling deep concern for the lad she said,
"You should come over to our college. We have a special class in stuttering."
To which the young man replied,
"I d-d-d-don't n-n-n-need a c-c-c-c-class, I
d-d-d-do t-t-t-t-this na-na-na-na-naturally."
From "The Friend Of Sinners"

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H-11

Maybe you've heard the story about the husband who was complaining of the mounting number of unpaid bills. "Ruth," he said to his wife, "you promised me you wouldn't buy a new dress. Why did you do it?" "Dear," she said, "the devil tempted me." "Well," he retorted, "you should have said: 'Get thee behind me, Satan.'" "Oh, I did," she replied sweetly, "and then he whispered over my shoulder: 'My dear, it fits you beautifully in the back.'"

And then there's the story about the wife who said to her husband, "You deceived me! Before we were married, you said you were well off." To which the man replied, "I was! I just didn't know it!"
From "How To Be Sure You're In Love"
Marriage, Home, Husband, Wife, Love

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H-12
A fourth proof that you're in love is when your relationship to your beloved is based upon faith and trust, not suspicion and doubt. Forgive me for repeating it, but I just love the story about Adam and Eve who were having s discussion shortly after the creation. Adam came home quite late one night and it was very evident he had been imbibing in wine that had been red too long. Eve, of course, questioned him about his activity and finally she asked him if there was another woman. Adam was safe there! And he answered, "Why Eve, you're the only woman in the world." Well, they say a woman convinced against her will is of the same opinion still. After they went to bed that night, Adam was awakened by a tapping. It was Eve, counting his ribs!
From "How To Be Sure You're In Love"

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H-13
One night a boy called up his girl and said, "Darling, I love you with all my heart. I'd cross the burning Sahara desert to be with you. I'd climb the highest mountains to be with you. I'd conquer the deepest seas to be with you. And I'll come over in a little while if it stops raining."

Well, that's about the concept some people have of love. It is all of the lips and none of the heart. But that's not a biblical view of love. In the New Testament, we read that when Jesus was born, wise men came and laid their gifts in the manger. There was no record of their uttering a word. Several years later, a woman came to Christ and she anointed His head with precious oils and spices. Again, there is no record of her saying a word, yet Jesus blessed her for the things she had done.

What a beautiful witness to the fact that deeds of love are just as important to our Savior as are words of love. And so it is that each time you are present in God's house, each time you place your envelope in the offering plate, each time you do a deed of kindness, seen or unseen, by that simple act you, too, are proving to Christ that you love Him.
"For as much as ye have done it unto the least of these, you have done it to Me" (John 14:15).
From "How To Be Sure You're In Love"


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H-22
I read just yesterday about a pastor whose people claimed he was a "warm" preacher. He made him feel pretty good until he got home and told his wife. She told him to look it up in the dictionary. He read: "Warm: Not so hot." Which reminds me of a little couplet:
"I never see my pastors eyes
Or see the light divine.
For when he prays he closes his
And when he preaches, mine."
Well, enough of that.
From "God's Global Go"

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H-47
Perhaps some of you have heard the epitaph which was carved on a headstone in a certain cemetery:
"Remember friend as you pass by,
As you are now, so once was I;
As I am now thus you must be,
So be prepared to follow me."

Well, some character with a wry sense of humor came along and, in a scrawling hand, wrote below:
"To follow you I'm not content
'Till I find out which way you went."
From "The Man God Wants - Youth Version"

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H-48
The other day I came across a story about a man who met an old acquaintance on the street. He hadn't seen him for several years so he said,
"Congratulations! I hear you made $10,000 in oil in Texas!"
His friend answered,
"Well, thanks! But there's been a slight misunderstanding. It wasn't $10,000. It was $100,000. It wasn't Texas. It was Oklahoma. It wasn't oil. It was wheat. It wasn't me. It was my brother-in-law. And he didn't make it, he lost it!"
From "Friendly Persuasion"

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H-49
Billy Rose tells the story of two beggars who were passing Rothchild's Castle. One of them decided to try to get inside and attempt to get "a handout". By some strange miracle he actually got in to see the famous banker. Mr. Rothchild greeted him kindly, referred him to his secretary, who turned him over to the butler, who sent him down to see the porter, who directed him to the gate keeper, who promptly booted him out!

The beggar who had remained outside rushed up and said: "Did you get anything?" "Not exactly," said the panhandler, "but I'll tell you one thing: the organization in that place is terrific!"
From "Friendly Persuasion"

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H-50
In fact, there is a lesson for us in the words of the dog food salesman who said:
"We have the best packaging, the brightest labels, the most aggressive sales force in the industry. The only trouble is the dogs won't eat the stuff!"

The world is hungry for something vital and vibrant. It is seeking an encounter with God which is nourishing. The world needs Christians gripped by a ministry of Evangelism that is alert and alive to the great soul-needs of people today.
From "Friendly Persuasion"

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H-51
A sixteen year old boy walked into a drug store and asked the druggist if he could use the telephone. He was granted permission and the druggist couldn't help overhearing the boy's conversation.

He heard him inquire about a job which had been advertised a week before. He heard the boy say, "Oh, I see, the job is filled. Well, tell me, is the boy you hired doing the job satisfactorily? Is he measuring up to your standards?" When the boy got an affirmative reply, he said, "Well, thank you!" and hung up the telephone.

As he turned to leave, the druggist said, "Son, I'm sorry you didn't get that job." To which the boy replied, "Oh, I got the job! I'm the boy they hired three days ago and I'm just checkin' up on myself."
From "Friendly Persuasion"

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H-55
A little girl was walking home from Sunday School with one of her friends. In the course of their conversation her chum said: "Do you believe in the devil?" And the little girl answered: "Naw, it's just like Santa Claus. He's your father!"
From "Living With Temptation (Part 1)"

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H-56
Out of the vast treasury of folk lore comes the story of a hunter who went out to shoot a bear so he could use the hide for a new fur coat. As he trudged along through the forest, he rounded a corner in the path and came face to face with a giant bear. As he raised his rifle to take aim, the bear said, "Mr. Hunter, why do you want to shoot me?" The hunter replied, "I want your skin for a fur coat." The bear thought quickly and said "Well, before you pull the trigger, let's sit down and talk this over. You see, while you're out looking for a fur coat, I'm out looking for my dinner. Let's go over to my den and see if we can't come to some compromise."

So, the hunter followed the bear into his den. After a brief interlude, which was punctuated with the sounds of a violent struggle, the bear emerged from his den. As he stood there picking his teeth, he announced that he and the hunter had indeed reached a compromise. "I had my dinner and the hunter has his new fur coat."

The trouble with that kind of compromise is that the hunter lost his identity. He got what he wanted, but he paid too great a price. And that is always the case when we submit to temptation.
From "Living With Temptation (Part 2)"

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H-57
I got a chuckle out of the story told about the old country boy who was widely known for his rebellious ways. He rarely attended church, but one day he showed up unexpectedly. The preacher was quite surprised and he said, "What brings y'all here? Has you given up the ways of the devil?" "Not 'zakely," was the reply, "but I got me a job white-washing a chicken house and fencin' in a watermelon field and I needs strengthenin'!"
From "Living With Temptation (Part 2)"

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Right now I am thinking of the story of a man who was drowning. A fellow saw him fall in and jumped in to save him. But, when he grabbed the man by his hair, lo and behold the man had a wig! The next time he came up, his rescuer grabbed him in the mouth, but the man had false
teeth. The third time he came up, he grabbed him by the leg, but the fellow had a wooden leg. In desperation the lifesaver said, "How do you expect me to save you if you don't stick together?"

The church is like that. As Christians we cannot afford to be a wig or a wooden leg that is easily distracted. We must not be a pair of false teeth -- sitting off on the side somewhere -- chattering away with this gripe or that. We must be an integral part of the body. We must be wholeheartedly attached to the eternal purposes of Christ's church. We must stick together. Even though at times we'd like to see things done differently.

From "The Church Has Been Robbed"

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I may have told this story before, but I love to tell it because it is so expressive of what I am trying to say. I don't know where I first heard it. It must have been when I was very young, because it has been with me nearly all my life. It's about a little boy whose parents had the happy habit of putting him to bed and listening to his prayers each evening. One night, after he had said his nighty-night prayers, they went down stairs and were talking over the things of the day.

About an hour later they heard a thud on the floor. They ran upstairs and found their little lad climbing sleepily into bed. As the father tucked his boy under the covers he said, "Son, how did you fall out of bed?" The little boy was almost back into dreamland, but he rubbed his eyes sleepily and said, "I don't know, daddy, I guess I stayed too close to where I got in"

From "If I Were 'Sweet' Sixteen"

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Do you remember the story of the airliner that was flying from Hawaii to San Francisco? Along the way they developed engine trouble. The pilot had them throw all of the baggage overboard to eliminate any unnecessary weight. But even so, the plane continued to lose altitude. So the pilot went back to the passenger compartment and said, "We just can't continue to fly with all this weight on board. All of us are going to die unless four of you are willing to jump overboard for the sake of others. The copilot and I could do it," he went on, "but we have to fly the plane and make sure we land safely. I'd like you to think it over and do what you believe is right."

Well, the passengers sat silently for about five minutes and then an Englishman got up, walked to the open door of the plane, called out, "God save the Queen," and jumped overboard. After about five minutes more of a soul-searching, a Frenchman stepped to the opened door, said, "Vive la France," and jumped overboard. Another ten minutes of soul-searching passed and a big, tall Texan stood up, shouted, "Remember the Alamo," and threw two Mexicans overboard.

Well, I wanted you to laugh. That's what a joke is for. But there is a moral to the story, too. It illustrates how easy it is to hold old resentments. To cling to issues related to the long, dead past.

From "All God's Children Got Shoes"

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The Sioux Indians have an ancient prayer which I think commends itself to all of us this morning. It goes like this: "Oh Great Spirit, help me to never judge another until I have walked two weeks in his moccasins."

My dear sister, who sometimes gets a bit confused, was addressing a critical spirit she sensed in one of her friends. She meant to quote the prayer, but said instead, "We should never judge another person until we have spent a night in his tepee." That, too, I guess!

From "All God's Children Got Shoes"

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Yesterday, while I was preparing this sermon, my telephone rang and it was Jeff. He was wondering if I could come home and play with him and his friends. I said, "Jeffy, I'd love to, but I am all tied up." A few minutes later, as I looked out of my office window, I saw him and his buddies running down the street toward the church. I stopped what I was doing, went outside to greet them and, with eyes as big as saucers, he said, "Who untied you?"

We forget children are not miniature adults. They are a very special kind of life. Living in the same world and yet a different world. Using the same words and yet speaking a different language.

From "All God's Children Got Shoes"

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I have often wondered what would happen if all of us husbands had to stay home for a while and do the housework and care for the kiddies. I suppose some of you fellows would rise to the occasion. But I've got to admit the few times I've done it, it merely drove me to distraction. I know one thing for sure that the fellow who said "School days are the happiest days of your life," was absolutely right, provided your children are old enough to go! Bless their hearts -- we wouldn't want to do without them -- but they certainly know how to try your patience.

From "All God's Children Got Shoes"

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The other day I was out making some calls and along about a-quarter-to-six, I stopped at the home of one of our young couples to see them for just a moment. I know it's a poor time to call, but it was the only time I could be sure of seeing both of them together. The man of the house didn't get home until six o'clock and, since the dinner was in the oven, this young mother sat down to carry on a conversation with her pastor.

By actual account, she got up 15 times in 15 minutes. During that brief span of time her little boy fell down three times. Cried twice. Broke a glass. Got locked in the bathroom. Turned on the radio -- full blast -- right behind me! Almost fell down the basement stairs and dumped the garbage on the kitchen floor. Judging from her comments, this was par for the course. Through it all, she answered an endless stream of questions from her two older children, listened to a report of what had happened at cub scouts from one and school from the other. Settled a quarrel between them. Turned off the oven so the meat wouldn't burn. Turned up the gas so the coffee would be hot when her husband got home. Carried on a perfectly coherent conversation with her pastor. And, even though she had not felt like it, looked as fresh as a daisy when her husband walked in the door!

Sometimes, fellas, I wonder if we guys really appreciate our wives. We are so quick to criticize. So slow to praise. And, "Breathes there a man with soul so dead, who never to his wife has said, 'Why can't you make it like my mother did?'"

From "All God's Children Got Shoes"

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Shortly after Dr. T. Z. Koo, the brilliant Chinese Christian scholar arrived in America some years ago, he was attending a banquet given in his honor. Sitting next to him at dinner was a rather inane individual who had never met Dr. Koo and, in a brash, brusque manner, typical of far too many Americans, he turned to this outstanding Chinese statesman and said, "Likee soupeee?"

Dr. Koo smiled graciously, nodded his head and shortly thereafter was introduced as the guest of honor and main speaker for the evening. For 50 minutes he stood and, in flawless Oxford English, thrilled the great crowd with his magnificent flights of oratory. When he concluded, there was a veritable avalanche of applause as the audience gave him a standing ovation. After he sat down again, he turned quietly to his dinner partner and said, "Likee speechee?"

From "So Ho No Go Lo Woe"

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On our way to church this morning, Dr. Roland Dutton told me the story of a minister who visited one of his members to find out why he was not attending church. The man said, "Pastor, it is like this. I'm betwixt two straits. I live too far away to walk and too close to drive." Well, there are some people whose sense of commitment is about that shallow. They sufferer with a disease which is nearing epidemic proportions. It is called "Morbus Sabbaticus"or Sunday Sickness.

According to the Maryland Churchman, it is diagnosed as follows:
"The symptoms may vary, but they never affect the appetite.
No physician is required.
Symptoms never are apparent for more than three hours.
The disease is highly contagious."

The Churchman goes on to point out that:
"The attack comes on suddenly every Sunday morning. No symptoms are felt on Saturday night; the patient awakens as usual, feeling fine; he eats a hearty breakfast, but about nine o'clock the attack comes on and lasts until noon. In the afternoon marked improvement is noted and the patient is able to take a ride. No recurrence of the disease is noted until the following Sunday morning."

We can smile, and that's a good thing. But when we think about the problem more deeply, we discover it's nothing to smile about.

From "Dante Adds an Extra Room"

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A few months ago this intriguing young gentleman produced another record that sold well over two million copies. This soulful song has the following lyrics:
"Everybody in the whole cellblock
Was dancing to the jailhouse rock:
Mumble, mumble, crash, boom, bang,
The whole rhythm section was a purple gang."

I don't know how those heart-rending words affect you, but they strike me as a rather powerful argument for prison reform!

Even the intelligentsia seem to be caught up in the wave of enthusiasm which has surrounded Rock 'N Roll and the slang expressions that accompany it. I heard the other day about a Phi Beta Kappa graduate of Harvard who went up to the dean and said, "See ya later, alma mater." And the dean's classic reply was, "After awhile, bibliophile."

The mania has also caught hold in the grade schools. Last year my little daughter came home from kindergarten and said with a twinkle in her eye, "Daddy, why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair?" I said, "Honey I don't know. Why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair?" With a loud guffaw Jody answered, "Because she wanted to Rock 'N Roll."

From "One Rock That Doesn't Roll"

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A teenager called a Nashville, Tennessee, record store to inquire about Elvis Presley's latest hit. She dialed the wrong number and reached a "good ole' boy" from Texas by mistake. When he said, "Hello," she asked, "Have you got ten fingers and ten toes in Alabama?" "No, but I have one wife and twelve children in Texas." "Is that a new record?" "No, but it's above average."

Sometime ago I read the critique of a novel, the name of which slips me, which centered upon the melancholy drama of an "above average" man who appeared to have "everything." An attractive wife, two lovely children, a big home and an income which was well "above average." Even so, he was a man who felt "life had become a treadmill on which to run endlessly, day after day, without ever arriving anywhere."

He was leading a plodding, prosaic, banal existence. Dwelling, as it were, on a desert. Spiritless and dull. A man for whom "above average" added up to nothing. For awhile he succeeded in keeping himself distracted by engaging in ceaseless rounds of feverish activity: talking, drinking, going and doing. One day life caught up with him in a harrowing moment of sickening, shattering, shame. He awakened to the realization he was merely killing time until he died!

From "God's Guide to Glorious Living"

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One of these is our false standard of success. My favorite Texas joke, as you must know because I've told it before, is about a wealthy Texan who directed in his will that he be buried in his Cadillac convertible. The grave diggers dug a gigantic grave, and a huge derrick was brought into the cemetery. The funeral director drove the baby blue Cadillac up to the grave side, got out, and moved the deceased behind the wheel. The top was down, the man was all decked out in a flashy sports coat, slacks and a ten-gallon hat. The derrick swung around. Hooked onto the Cadillac, picked it up, and swung out over the grave. As the "Caddy" was lowered into the grave with the Texan in it, one of the mourners turned to another and said, "Man, that's living!"

It isn't, of course, and one of the tragedies of our time is that our values are all confused. As a result, the world is full of people who are making good livings, but poor lives. I suppose the shortest biography ever written is that which describes Methuselah. It consists of one sentence:
"And all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty and nine years,
and he died."
In all his nine hundred plus years he did not achieve anything worth remembering. Somewhere along the line he got out of touch with things, and left the world no better for his having been here.

From "God's Guide to Glorious Living"

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A cute little story has helped me keep success in focus. It's about a young man who went to work for a large company as a stock boy. After a month he was made a salesman. After three months he was promoted to division manager. After six months he became vice president, and at the end of his first year, the head of the company called him in, announced he was going to retire, and had selected him to succeed him as president.

It was an amazing story of success. From stock clerk to president in one year. However, the young man seemed to be unimpressed. In exasperation the president said, "Aren't you even going to thank me?" To which the lad replied, "Oh, yes! Thanks, Dad!"

I like that story because it serves to remind me that all things come from God and if it were not for the incredible generosity of our Heavenly Father we would all be paupers.

From "God's Guide to Glorious Living"

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In his book Further Fables of Our Times, James Thurber, a rather prophetic humorist, tells the story of an old ostrich instructing a class of young ostriches in their own excellences. A skeptic ostrich named Oliver says, "Man can fly sitting down, and we can't fly at all." To which the old ostrich replies witheringly,
"Man is flying too fast for a world that is round. Soon he will catch up
with himself in a great rear-end collision, and man will never know that
what hit man from behind, was man.

From "The Man All Americans Should Vote For"

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A little boy who had tried to settle the issue "Who's going to be boss?" in his favor, and lost, was being punished for his disobedience by having to eat dinner in the kitchen, while his mom and dad ate in the dining room. As the parents began their meal they heard the little boy pray,
"Lord, I thank thee for preparing a table before me in the presence of mine enemies!"

From "Under New Management"

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I love the story of the married couple who, on a trip, stopped at a cottage which bore a sign reading, "ANTIQUES." Two old ladies ushered them into the living room and offered them tea. When the wife asked to see the antiques, one of them said shyly, "You're looking at them!"

The two women had been lonely, and longed for fellowship, so they devised this lovely way of getting it. "We've made so many friends," the other old lady said, "We just know God isn't angry with our little trick." Of course he isn't! God knows our need of fellowship. He made us for fellowship with others, as well as himself.

From "The Benediction"

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